I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
