This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
