so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
