I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
