Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
