Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
