Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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