two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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