It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
