i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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