I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
