Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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