Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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