Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
