If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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