This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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