my mouth tastes like poor choices
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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