just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
