oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
