3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
