everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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