I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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