after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
