Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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