I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My dick has a subreddit
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
