Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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