Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
