dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
