I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
