I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
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When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
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There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize