Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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