At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You are the jesus of drinking
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
