Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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