I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
