Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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