we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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