Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
