can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
