genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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