So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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