i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
ttyl tear gas
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
