just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
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