the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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