Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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