my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
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I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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