Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
