Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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