You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
