i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
