Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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