Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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