just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
