I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
