Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
