apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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