Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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