am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
